Of Refusing to Work

I am currently in the middle of my examinations and strangely enough I feel pretty bad about a lot of things. Physical symptoms just rage and I feel like I'm on full tilt. Funnily enough, it has nothing to do with the fact that I am sitting for my exams. Given, I am not humanly prepared for them. I know I can lean on the ever faithful arms of God for support. It is at times like these that I realise how I have been always blessed beyond measure and certainly beyond what the average human being would say I deserve. How have I repaid Him? Is it with loyalty and obedience? Is it with taking upon my shoulders the responsibility to bring to completion the things that I am meant to do by harnessing, sharpening and using the gifts He has given me? Why do I not recognise the fact that while life as a Christian is never about being qualified by our works, it certainly involves us working and working INCESSANTLY as stewards who know the commission of their master.

Have you ever realised, also, how your worries are always greater and more pressing than others - your situation more dire? While I sit here in the slight discomfort that I have (I feel that my brain is on fire as are the sockets of my eyes), a good friend of mine has a problem with the nerves along his back that has been the cause of unceasing pain, vomitting and extreme discomfort that he is sometimes reduced to lying in bed. Are my troubles greater than his? Are my sufferings greater than that of Christ on the cross?

But I digress. Like it or not I have allowed myself to be filled with this pervading and uneasy sense of melancholy. I have never desired for it, not openly. Perhaps in the depths of my heart I have longed for an excuse to remain incapacitated, paralysed. This is rationalisation at its worst.

I do not know how the Lord will lift me up, but I know He will. And I pray that I will have the courage to work - not only for the things that are secondary but for the things that matter most. It is the false sense of assurance that stems from pride that says: You've got it all in the bag. No need to worry, no need to work.

This I ask for: a contrite and humble heart; one that will remain steadfast and resolute in difficulty; one that will never waver and get ahead of itself. Give me the strength.