What I do, Who I am.

My name is Joshua Teng, I am a Christian student who graduated from d'Nous Academy (Cycle 3 Stage 1) in the year 2009. I once thought that I could do things to define who I was, or more accurately, that the things I did made me who I am. In a sense, I was right; in a greater sense, I was not.

For the past three years, I was actively involved in public speaking. I had always felt that it was the thing I ought to do - something that I was made for. In many ways people affirmed that. It only ever made me more zealous to speak.

One of my friends never understood, until recently. She never understood why I had to participate in competitions. Why I had to subject myself through all the pain and torture and all the work. More importantly, she believed that it was in some way causing the entire act and art of speaking to turn more superficial.

Although I never told her this, I had this answer in mind: It is the passion that God has put in me. I remember what Eric Liddell (The Flying Scotsman) said:

"I believe that God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. When I run, I feel His pleasure."

Liddell was a Christian and a sprinter who won the Olympic Gold for the 400m sprint event in the Paris 1924 Olympics. He also broke the world record.

What Liddell was saying is that we all are made in our own certain way. Some people in his day may not have seen how living a life as an athelete made him a good Christian. Many people expected him to be a missionary like his parents (he eventually became a missionary to China) but he kept on running. People may have thought of him as selfish and self-serving. I think not. God has put in us our own passions and giftings by which we may impact the lives of people around us. It doesn't matter how "weird" giftings are or how odd they may be. Never doubt how God can use them. I believe that when we truly do what we were made to, we feel a great sense of satisfaction and pleasure and of course, peace.

Lesson 1: God has made us who we are and in this He has given us the passion for certain things and the pleasure when we do them.

However, I recently discovered that I was not as good as I thought myself to be, or as others had told me I was. That began two days ago and reached its climax just hours ago. The blow is indeed devastating and heart-wrenching. But it is the truth.

I do not possess charisma nor am I really witty. I do not possess a smooth, deep voice, my words do not glide. I cannot persuade but am easily persuaded. Maturity and diligence I do not have. Don't mention creativity or ingenuity. Talent is scarce. I am not a confident person as some of you may already know - I don't even have full confidence in what I want to convince you about.

When the rubber hits the road, when all falls apart, I always realise one thing: what am I doing this for? Many a time, I believe, I lose myself in what I do. That is the greatest danger. A danger I am keen to avoid.

However, I digress. I will never be the best, nor do I think I should aspire to always or ever be the best. It is at times like these - when I am fully aware and sober - that I realise that there are many things that I ought to be doing.

I think about my relationship with God and how I fail, the most epic of ways. I think about my family, and how I neglect them in such times; how I turn to them only when I need help. I think about all the pressure and stress I place on others - their anxiety and worry.

It is at times like these when I realise that the value of my existence does not lie in what I do or who I think I am. Instead it is because I am "made in the image of God" (Gen 1:27). This is the reason why even the most worthless of lives in the eyes of the world are loved in God's eyes. What people see as trash, He sees as treasure. What we cast away, He draws back.

What else have I to say?

I am deeply encouraged to remember that the Lord says: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3) Knowing it makes that significant difference that I am indeed, not who I think I am, but who I am made to be.

In one of his sermons, Ravi Zacharias points out that what we do or what we see ourselves as does not make us who we are. Instead, who we are truly depends on what God sees through his eyes. It is who we ought to be. (paraphrased) That is the definition of our self. Who is it I ought to be? The likeness of Christ.

This I know: I am a child of God. (John 1:12-13) Not because I deserve to be one, but because He has graciously and mercifully allowed me to. You can be a child of God too, you may even already be one. It is in believing and being consciously aware of who you are in His eyes and who He is in yours. I truly wish to live this sort of life, not only in full awareness but in full and total acknowledgement of that very fact. That, to me, makes all the difference. Not what I do.

Lesson 2: What/who truly defines you? Is it what you think it is, or what really is?

I have more to say, but there is a time for everything. I apologise for my incoherent thoughts. Today's post may be slightly emotional, but I believe that this is what the truth is. I hope that somehow or in some inexplicable way I have ministered to you, or made you think. Forgive me, if I may be wrong and of course, you are free to disagree.

Coming back to the point, however,
perhaps the crux of what I would like to say today is this:

My name is Joshua Teng, I am a child of God, being formed into His true likeness. Nothing else matters as much.